Session with my therapist… got me to my tears.
I saw the pellets of feelings I was ignoring and how my body is calcifying over them like my daughter’s abscess did around her implanted pellet.
I sat with the feelings and visualizations and saw the amount of sadness I’m holding…
…..and underneath was the anger…
…..and then the fear under that
…..and then the exhaustion under that.
Then I saw all the glob around it – all the parts of me that try to protect by:
numbing
avoiding
procrastinating
denying
minimizing
ignoring
eating
working
And I cried and cried – grateful to be present and aware, and feeling my feelings.
Then I saw the polarity between my fear and anger caused by my codependent heart. I see the loving little girl inside my daughter and I want to save her – but then I put my own health and well-being at risk by doing too much and not keeping clear boundaries.
God’s will be done.
So grateful to let some of the feelings out.
Grateful to my therapist and to God and to all my friends and family who hold me while I hold onto these pellets.
Pellets –bits, tablets, balls, capsules, pills, shots, bbs, small bullet, stone missile, regurgitated matter, animal feces
Shrapnel – fragments from explosive device
Shell that scatters metal fragments.
Abscess –boil, sore, swelling, eruption, blister, carbuncle, pustule, pus-filled cavity, inflammation
Pain – discomfort, grief, nuisance, sadden, agony, aching, hurt, ache, unpleasant physical sensation, emotional distress, ache, sting, soreness, smarting, stinging, twinge, tenderness, hurting.
Pellets
The pellets lodged protectively,
Intending to be kind.
To numb the pain of everything
and take it from my mind.
They sit there years and decades
unyielding and unseen.
Believing their removal could be
dangerous and mean.
Meanwhile all around them
the body fights as well.
Protected from the poison
in yet another hell.
Protection creates swelling,
Resistance begets grief.
The inflammation follows
and with it no relief.
Compassion for the process.
A heart that gets involved.
Resist no more, allow the flow.
The pellet will dissolve.
